As kids begin taking on the world and discovering their place in it, a message from the Dr. Seuss book Happy Birthday to You! is so important: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You." But how to convince kids that their “you-ness” is special and good?
Listen and watch for shapeshifting
It’s one thing when superheroes and sci-fi characters turn into or take on other forms, but we want our kids to develop a strong sense of who they are and what they value. The old phrase “go along to get along” can erode confidence, stifle individuality, and even get kids into trouble.
The first piece of advice in “Helping Kids Who Desperately Want to Fit In,” is “You don’t want your kids to fit in!” Why? This post by Kristina Campos for The Impactful Parent explains that “…fitting in means that a child has to change themselves to be accepted by the group.” However, the post acknowledges that “…the longing to BELONG is very strong. If a child does not think they can belong by being themselves, then they will resort to fitting in to fill that void.”
Campos calls trying to fit in “a dangerous, slippery slope that everyone has tested out at some point in their life,” noting it is especially common in teens. But it can—and often does—start earlier including wanting to be in a particular clique.
When kids want to click with a clique
Unfortunately, for generations, cliques have driven a lot about what’s “in” and what’s “out” but even more sadly, who is inside and who gets left out. Even adults can fall into this, but kids can feel really hurt and confused about “rules” and loyalties that might change abruptly from one day to the next.
The article “How to Help Your Grade-Schooler Handle School Cliques” by Lexi Walters Wright writing for Understood, offers excellent advice. Walters Wright says, “In grade school, cliques tend to be made up of friends who have something in common. That might be a hobby, an interest, or a skill.” She adds that “Kids this age may not be welcoming to or patient with a child who seems different or who can’t keep up.”
While her tips for coping with cliques are geared toward kids with “learning and thinking differences,” she provides hypothetical scenarios and ways to talk about and respond to them that could benefit almost any child. For example, if a child has issues with motor skills, they might be able to find other activities to share in. Or maybe they didn’t play by the rules during a game at a sleepover and are now being ignored by the same kids at school.
Walters Wright says asking your child “What could you have done differently?” is a good starting point for brainstorming alternatives and moving forward. Sometimes, for any child, social skills can use a little practice, fine-tuning, and role-playing. Helping them connect with peers more effectively can be important.
A post from Nemours KidsHealth titled, “Helping Kids Cope with Cliques,” offers suggestions that include sharing your own experiences, helping kids put rejection in perspective, talking about healthy vs. unhealthy friendships, explaining that clique leaders might be insecure, finding relatable stories in books and on TV, and fostering interests outside of school.
Creating a genuine sense of belonging
Kids who have a deep sense of belonging are less vulnerable to rejection and shifting loyalties. Along with establishing and nurturing healthy friendships, strong family support plays a huge role in a child’s more unshakable sense of belonging.
The Belonging Network, which provides support for family and youth, particularly for adoptive and “permanency” families, posted “Belonging Matters: 5 Tips to Strengthen Your Child’s Sense of Belonging” by Daniela Becerril. It defines belonging as “the feeling of being happy, comfortable, welcome, secure, supported, and accepted as part of a particular group.”
The article, drawing from Stanford Psychology Professor Geoffrey L. Cohen, notes that “Belonging provides a sense of stability, security, and acceptance amidst change and uncertainty” and that “It serves as a cornerstone for nurturing healthy relationships and developing a positive sense of identity.
It says that creating family rituals—something as simple as putting a note inside a lunchbox—and spending quality time together as a family are important ways to create and strengthen a healthy sense of belonging.
A child who has self-love is also more impermeable to the “changing weather” of social dynamics. In Kiindred’s “A Parent’s Guide for Fostering Self-Love in Kids,” author Bella Heim notes that self-love “promotes positive mental health,” “encourages healthy relationships,” “develops resilience,” “enhances academic success,” and “promotes a positive self-image.”
A few ways Heim suggests to instill and encourage a child’s self-love include being a role model for it yourself, celebrating their achievements, embracing their uniqueness, and teaching them to be kind to themselves.
Dr. Seuss’ idea of no one “youer than you” is so, so true. Helping kids see and believe it, will go a long way in keeping their relationships with others in perspective.
