We all experience “big feelings.” Even for grown-ups, they can take us by surprise. However, when we worry, get angry, feel frustrated, disappointed, or overwhelmed, we can reach into our mental toolkit, and—let’s hope!—avoid responding inappropriately. However, for kids who are still learning to navigate their emotional landscape, the ups and downs can be a tough journey.
That’s why social emotional learning (SEL) is just as important as reading, writing, and math. It’s a different kind of literacy. SEL is both a process and skillset that teaches kids to recognize and manage emotions and develop empathy. In turn, this helps them build positive relationships, make responsible decisions, and achieve goals.
Learning to manage big feelings (and some smaller ones too) matters—for kids’ behavior, confidence, and success in school and life. This post explores how parents and teachers can collaborate to support emotional regulation and provides SEL tips to help children handle big feelings at home and school.
Help children recognize their emotions
Many of the SEL tips for parents and SEL tips for teachers are the same or very similar; consistency between home and school is important. A first step in emotional literacy is helping children recognize and identify emotions so they can better understand and express them.
This can be done in a variety of different ways that include:
• Labeling feelings in real time (theirs and yours) to help them name emotions and what they look/feel like - School Zone’s Anywhere Teacher online learning program includes an animated video, “Introducing Basic Emotions,” that models and names/labels 12 basic emotions and connects them with facial expression and vocal tone. In a different but related Anywhere Teacher activity, “What’s That Feeling?”, kids drop in the facial expression that matches the feeling named. The digital Emotions Flash Cards on Anywhere Teacher help kids learn how to not just identify feelings but how to manage them in healthy ways and how to recognize others’ feelings, essential skills that take lots of practice.
• Using feelings charts and visuals to build up emotional vocabulary - For example, a quick Google search for “feelings chart” brings up a wide variety that include: feelings wheels; posters listing emotion words or emotions on faces; and a chart showing color-coded emojis: yellow and green suggesting upbeat or neutral emotions like happy or fine, blue for more “down” emotions like bored or sad, and red for heated emotions like angry and stressed.
• Using open-ended questions with kids - Instead of “Did you have a good day?”, ask “What was your favorite part of your day?” “What was most challenging?” Other exploratory questions are “Can you tell me something that made you happy today”? and (useful for a variety of situations) “How are you feeling right now”?
• Using books, TV shows, and films to talk about how the characters in the story may be feeling, which also helps them build empathy for others – For example, books from School Zone’s Start to Read! series like Benny’s Baby Brother, about a big brother who changes his mind about the newest family member, and Get Lost, Becka!, also about a sibling situation, present familiar situations and relatable themes dealing with feelings. A book from the U.K. that deals specifically with disappointment is Lemur Feels Let Down. A book about anger that is both a picture and activity book is Roaring Mad Riley: An Anger Management Story for Kids.
Validate kids’ feelings. Assure them that emotions are neither good nor bad; emotions give us information to work with. In their article, "Help Kids & Teens Identify & Express Feelings," Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta Strong4Life share some excellent ideas for talking to kids about feelings. A few important ones to emphasize are “Everyone has feelings,” “Feelings are temporary,” and “We can feel more than one feeling at a time.” Helping kids identify feelings and understand them makes life feel more doable—for them and for you.
Model a calm response
Children are highly receptive to their environment, absorbing not just words but tone, actions, and emotions. Caregivers and educators act as primary role models, demonstrating the behaviors that children will imitate and internalize. They learn emotional regulation by watching trusted adults. Here are a few tools and techniques:
• Demonstrate deep breaths, pauses, and calm language during stressful moments.
• Aim for consistency; it reinforces emotional safety.
• Try role-playing situations that might come up or recreating one that has already happened. What are some ways we might react? Practice different responses.
• Explain that sometimes a change of scenery, going to a different room, a porch, or deck—just stepping away from a situation for a couple minutes—can help us clear our head and reset.
• Narrate your own additional coping skills (“I’m frustrated, so I’m taking a deep breath.”).
A counseling practice in the greater Dayton and Cincinnati, OH, area, adinaABA specializes in autism care and published The Importance of Modeling Calm Behavior. They note that “witnessing positive emotional reactions helps children develop resilience and confidence…” later writing, "When adults consistently demonstrate kindness, respect, patience, and emotional regulation, children are more likely to adopt these behaviors themselves. This promotes empathy, self-control, and healthy relationships.”
Create a safe space
Have you ever “taken a break” from a social gathering or stepped away from a work project? Again, adults have or perceive options that kids often don’t. It’s important to create a safe place where kids can reset when overwhelmed; this is even more essential for neurodivergent kids. Action for Healthy Kids calls it a “calm down corner.”
Here are a few things to keep in mind:
• It should be a designated space in a home or classroom with the sole intent of being a safe space for a child to go to when they feel their emotions are running too high and they need to regain their emotional and physical control.
• It should be equipped with comforting objects and soothing materials that can promote mindfulness, breathing, and reflection.
• AT HOME: Action for Healthy Kids suggests designating a corner “in a typically quiet room” and filling the space “with a rug or mat, bean bag chair, or other plush options for sitting or lying down, and with some of your child’s favorite books, stuffed animals or quiet toys.” For older kids, short bookcases can block out the space and provide privacy.
• AT SCHOOL: The same source suggests “a corner in your classroom that can permanently act as your new calm down corner,” and designating the space “as a special area where your students can spend time on their own when their emotions are running high.” Just as with a safe space at home, Action for Healthy Kids also says you should “fill the space with soft, plush seating options and options for books, quiet toys, art and journaling supplies, blankets and stuffed animals.”
• Both at home and at school, School Zone resources like the Big Hidden Pictures & More Workbook, with its kaleidoscope of scenes and activities, can provide a change-up or distraction that also sharpens skills. The Big Mazes & More Workbook offers a similar panoply of options.
Slipping away from the scene for a few minutes’ change-up and calming quiet can be really useful in helping a child with big emotions self-regulate. How to support your child in this? Providing a dedicated space is one important way.
Create predictable routines
Kids thrive on routine and structure. Among other things, they reduce emotional overwhelm and support self-regulation. Though they are important for all kids here again, sensitive kids in particular thrive on routine and prefer to know exactly what to expect. Here are additional benefits of predictable routines:
• They reduce anxiety and stress, helping individuals feel safe and secure. This emotional safety is a prerequisite for authentic social and emotional exploration and skill-building. Knowing what comes next lowers uncertainty.
• The recurring nature of routines helps individuals develop self-confidence and self-control. They learn to monitor their own progress and make adjustments, which strengthens self-management and self-awareness skills over time.
• This, in turn, encourages independence because kids learn to follow steps on their own.
• Routines promote resilience because predictable routines and structures help kids come back from challenges and adapt to new situations more easily.
• Socially, predictable routines and schedules tend to improve interactions because kids grow used to identifying emotions or “reading the room.”
When change is necessary introduce new shifts slowly, and as much as possible, try and share routines between school and home!
Celebrate small wins
It’s important to reinforce positive emotional behaviors, including progress toward these behaviors. Success and recognition feel good! We get a little dose of dopamine and want more!
Here are a few ways to praise:
• Notice when kids take deep breaths, use appropriate words, demonstrate empathy, take themselves over to the safe/calm-down space, etc.
• Be specific about what you have noticed, i.e., “That was so kind of you to share” or “Way to go! When you started to feel frustrated and stepped away for a minute.”
• Use stickers, high-fives, or praise like “You handled that really well!” This helps kids build self-confidence and internal motivation.
• Even if a response is less than absolutely ideal, if it’s better—even a little better—than last time, say so.
• Be excited, so they will get excited too!
Small wins can also show a child that they are moving forward and reinforce positive habits.
Setbacks and challenges are inevitable. However, acknowledging progress, even on difficult days, serves as a reminder of their resilience and capability. These moments act as emotional anchors, keeping kids feeling steady and preventing discouragement from taking over.
SEL helps kids succeed
Feelings of all kinds and sizes, including big feelings, are normal; they are part of being human. Kids just need a little guidance and a few tools to recognize and express them in healthy ways. Use the tips and calm-down strategies above to help your child manage big feelings at school and home. Remember: small, daily SEL habits lead to big growth over time.
We all want our children to succeed, and emotional literacy helps them navigate challenges, build resiliency, and develop both self-awareness and empathy for others.
School Zone, especially the activities on its Anywhere Teacher app, makes practicing SEL fun, simple, and accessible at home and in the classroom!
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